Loss & Redemption
by KatRose
Summary: A post "Loss" story of a different variety


Title: Loss and Redemption   
  
Author: KatRose   
  
Disclaimer: Simply put, Dick Wolf's, not mine.   
  
Rating: PG   
  
Spoilers: Loss   
  
Author's Notes: I watched Loss the other day and was struck by the look in Elliot's eyes when he was confronting Donovan. This is what came out of it.  
  
It's not often I turn to self-reflection, but today was hardly a normal day. Today we found out that Alex Cabot wasn't really dead.  
  
Seeing her standing there apologizing to us for everything, as if it were her fault, made me realize that I owed someone else an apology too. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to issue mine face to face since Agent Donovan was dead.  
  
Let me back up a bit to explain.  
  
During the course of our investigation of Olivia Sandoval's murder, my partner and I had a run in with Donovan about the use of a snitch. Donovan wanted us to back off, to let the DEA do their jobs without out interference. He told us that if we didn't stop and someone else died, it would be our fault, our responsibility. And true to my nature, when attacked, I retaliate.  
  
However, looking back, I don't know if I was accusing Donovan or myself. I asked him it if was his idea for Sandoval to do drugs and sleep with Zapata or it was hers. Part of me was angry that this man, sworn to serve and protect, had failed one of his own. But an even bigger part of me saw Olivia Benson in Sandoval's place and my own failure to protect her.  
  
It had happened years earlier, when Olivia was being stalked. She had refused any help from us, stating that she was perfectly capable of dealing with this asshole on her own. But did I listen? No. Instead, I helped arrange for federal protection to keep an eye on her. I'll never know if their presence was any help in preventing an attack, but I lost Olivia's trust and respect for awhile as a result.  
  
Was Donovan's Olivia as stubborn and strong-willed as mine? Had he already tried to protect her, in spite of her wishes, thus causing her to trust him less the next time? Had Donovan crossed a line in the years he and Sandoval had worked together, preventing him from being able to properly protect her in the future? Was that a factor in Sandoval's death?  
  
Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about romance, or even sex, I'm talking about that other line. The one where we make the mistake of wanting to protect the women we work with more than she's willing to be protected. I'm talking about betraying the trust that is necessary to do our jobs effectively as a team. I'm talking about neglecting to take into account that these women aren't our wives or daughter, but our partners and friends.  
  
I had crossed that line with Olivia and it took a lot of work, time and judicious groveling to regain it. But I still carry the fear within me that the trust hasn't truly been repaired, just scabbed over. And it was this fear that prompted my terse questions to Donovan.  
  
While I was acting like an ass towards him, I was imagining Olivia dead in an alley waiting for someone to find her, someone to figure what went wrong, someone to put things right. I was trying hard not to imagine how I would feel when notified about her death. The loss of Olivia would be hard to deal with under any circumstance, but if I was in any way responsible for it...  
  
See what I mean? Was I upset with Donovan for failing Sandoval? O r was I scared that some day I'd fail Olivia?  
  
I don't really know, but seeing Alex and hearing her plead for forgiveness, I needed to apologize to Donovan and let him know I didn't mean it. He was a good man who did the best he could, even offering to testify in open court if that was the only way he could protect Alex.  
  
In the end, he lost his life in a senseless manner, but, I believe, with a clear conscious. Whatever guilt he felt as a result of Sandoval's death, it wasn't in failing to notice her problems. His failure, if you can call it that, was in trusting her to trust him. But still, he tried to redeem himself by his action towards Alex.  
  
Would I be so selfless in the choice was mine to make? Would I offer to lay down my life for someone else, not because it was my job, but because it was right?  
  
As I drive home from dropping Olivia off, I wonder again about Donovan and decide now is as good a time as any. I turn the car around and head to the cemetery and an apology long overdue. 


End file.
